(Episode 6 Final) LOVE AFFAIRS | A novel of the OmidanWURA_files By Segun Alonge Jr

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6. Respect marriage but don’t worship the idea of marriage.
‘Thou shall have no other gods before me’, declares our Father, the creator of the heavens and earth.
Marriage is His invention. He calls it honourable. But He intended not for us to worship the idea of marriage. You would be amazed at how so many have paused their life’s assignment - all in the name of waiting to be married, then, play.

This endeavour has led into so many complications among couples. The best location s/he ought to find you is right there at the centre of your assignment. If you have not yet found that out, please, forget about marriage for now.

While counseling a young couple some months ago, I was stunned to hear the wife’s long tale. They were at the verge of divorce. They were barely a year into their marriage when the husband came back home that fateful day with a resignation letter in hand. He said it’s all over with secular jobs and that God has called him into the work of ministry. A great testimony, right?

But he proceeded by saying they would both have to journey to East Africa for mission work. Now, the truth of the matter is, there is nothing bad in being a Christian missionary. But at this stage of his life, he cannot make rash decisions on his own any longer because someone else is now in the boat with him.

It would have been a different story if she had married him while he was at the centre of his assignment.

Friends, first things first! Find your assignment before looking out for a mate. I tell my protégés - mostly the females - when a man approaches for a marriage relationship, your first response should not be – I love you too. Ask him where he is going? You need to know so you can compare with yours and see if you both can travel together.

God has admonished us to marry within the family but not all family members are suitable for you. Marriage is more about commitment than love. If you are not ready to be committed to him/her, remain in your singlehood. Marriage is a choice. You do not ‘need’ marriage to fulfill your life’s purpose but marriage can enhance as well as frustrate ( if not with the right partner) your assignment.
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7. Live and budget within your means
I am so selective when it comes to seeing movies. But I won’t forget easily a statement I picked from one I saw years back. ‘Clothes don’t make a man, man makes clothes’.

As a single person, how often do you go overboard to purchase things out of your means? These are times to be responsible over many things – including your finances. Wasteful usages of resources do not jump on people as they step out of the church premises after being joined by the clergy. They brought the life style along with them to the altar.

You don’t need to tell yourself that you can never afford it – all you need to say is, you cannot afford it for now.
This is peculiar to us. We just want to impress. We want to wear the latest clothes, carry the latest bags and appear rich without - when in the real sense, wealth is from within.

Looking good is not synonymous with being extravagant with spending. As a matter of fact, you can purchase the most expensive cloth ever designed and it does not look good on you. Your emphasis should be more on proper grooming than emptying your purse on just anything.

I concluded within myself some years back to invest more on things that would take a longer time to acquire (knowledge) than items I can just acquire within some minutes (clothes, bags, etc) - there would always be a latest version.

Gone are the days when womanhood is an epitome of mannered use of resources. All many of us now understand is how to spend and spend. Let the men keep making the money while we sit around writing endless list of expenditure.

Arise, dear lady and be responsible!

If the only thing men demand of you is sex, that should point to you that your local and foreign exchange account (wisdom bank) is empty or better still, dormant. You are not a thing to be exploited. You are a whole being to be celebrated, Clap!

Men! Invest in developing yourself. The cars would come as well as the apartments. Pursue after knowledge. No one can steal it from you after it is acquired. Avoid bad debts as much as possible – it does you no good on the long  and short run. Living within your means is not limiting yourself – it’s only being content with such things as you have (now).

The time would come when you can afford it and much more – although by then, you might just realize that they were just mere wants and youthful lusts.
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8. Set a guard on your heart.
The wise king said, ‘do not stir up our awaken love until it pleases’. Your heart is not plastic that should be broken and molded over and over again. You don’t need to embrace so many suitors before you finally settle for one of them to lead a successful marriage.

Some will call that experience but it’s a devastating one on the long run. Sampling so many specimens will only create an insatiable appetite within you.

When I hear statements like, ‘I am not sexually satisfied in my marriage’, during counseling sessions, what comes to mind first is a medium of comparison. You are not satisfied because there have been prior experiences.

If you are not emotionally stable, the way out is not finding a mate. The solution is finding your work. Adam was too busy with his work that it took God to interrupt him when He presented him a mate. Don’t place yourself under unnecessary pressure. The men would freely come, as a matter of fact, in loads.

A virtuous woman is like a sweet smelling perfume. Her presence fills the atmosphere with radiance, respect, reverence and royalty. A heart hidden in God cannot be broken.
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9. Manage your sensual appetite
As Walter Trobisch rightly said, ‘sex is no test of love, for it is precisely the very thing one wants to test that is destroyed by testing’. Sexuality is an integral part of who we are.

Even as a single person, there is no way you won't think sex unless you suffer from some abnormalities. Being sexual does not mean that you are doomed to be a victim of your raging hormones.

Notice I said, ‘manage’ not ‘crush’ or ‘destroy’. I often like to say that we are not animals – who would give in to just any sensual feeling. You are to rule over your senses not the other way round.

Some sincere single persons have opted for shutting down completely all of their sensual feelings to avoid the slightest temptation before marriage. No hugs – not even holding of hands except in public. When you completely block all sensuousness from your relationships, you run a risk of making sex something out of control or even dirty.

You can control your passion without denying your sexuality. We are emotional beings – designed to give and receive love and affection but not slaves to sex. Most of us grew into the idea of, ‘sex is dirty, save it for marriage’. What a contrast! I often wonder if marriage makes it automatically clean.

Most couples have been so immersed with this mentality that even sex in marriage still appear to them as dirty and canal. It is total holiness unto the lord, some would claim.

Dearly beloved, permit me to say, that if you are not prepared for wholesome and enjoyed sex in marriage, then forget the idea of marriage altogether.

A bulk of my counseling sessions are filled with questions regarding sexual fulfillment in marriage – and it would shock you to know that most of the couples are vibrant ministers and church leaders. They feel ashamed talking about it. All one would notice facially is that they are not just getting along together. The problem is not finances, they have lovely kids and all you can think of – but marriage is dying gradually.

Write this down: ‘waiting is not wasting!’ You would be sure glad you did. But ensure to combine waiting with investing so as not to be wasting.
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10. Try not to make decisions that complicate your life
Life’s journey is easier when your luggage is minimized. I have counseled singles in marriage relationships - that are exposed to constant battering and abuse – but they still stick their head into it.

‘Why are you allowing yourself go through this unnecessary pains, I would ask?’

‘I love him. He would change. I can’t do without him’.

Oh! Wait until he would do without you.

It’s funny how people still choose to remain in abusive relationships – knowing well that it can’t work out.

Life itself is designed with complexities, don’t top it up. There has been a giant leap in science and technology lately – don’t push away these discoveries just like that. Marriage is much more than, ‘I love him/her’. The decisions you make now will not only affect you but also your unborn babies.

What’s the essence of producing babies that would spend a huge part of their earthly existence at the hospital? That to me is not an expression of love. It is sheer hatred!
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As I wind up, do not forget. Seek to live a whole life as a single person. Marriage would be enjoyed that way! Remain blessed.
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Thank you. I love you all!

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